I have been toiling with online dating for about 6 months now. It has been frustrating, confusing, comical, and educational. It has definitely provided me with some comedy. You should see me at the coffee pot at work every morning telling the funny and interesting tales of my online contacts. My co-workers, some single, most married, stare and smile while sipping their morning Joe as I share the different encounters I’ve had the night before. Then, on occasion, they ask to see his profile picture. They rate the men among themselves. We even take bets on whether or not the guy is employed. It’s been a hoot. I always make the best of any situation, whether it’s a friendly bet or a drinking game. NickiJay is always a good time, however, one of my frustrations has been the lack of consistent communication, crazy encounters over the phone and creepy chats and emails. Why was I having such sketchy communication? How hard is it to communicate? The guy sees me, sends me a message, and I send him one back. But then…he disappears. UFO’s don’t disappear that fast! But surveying the two websites I have been on and interviewing other online daters, I think I have figured out what the online dating landscape is made up of. Now, first let me say this: this is only a few types I have experienced. There are many more online dating types than what I have listed here, but this is just what I have encountered.
The Young Buck:
The first guy is the Young Buck. I call him “Sport,” “Junior,” or “Scooter.” He’s wonderful. He wants a woman to spoil and be a great guy to. He’s sweeter than raisins, works full-time, has manors and wants to start a relationship—right now. There’s only one problem: he’s in his mid-20’s. He may be 26 at the very highest. He’s never been married and has no children. Just perfect. Now, I don’t have a problem with cougars. One of my best friends is a cougar. They only problem with a young buck is that you two aren’t aging together and I would be constantly paranoid that he’s going to leave me for a girl his age or younger, so I cannot deal with that. Next!
This poor guy has battle fatigue. He’s been in the online dating world for years, has been burned too many times, feels victimized, but he still is hoping for “the one.” He sends you a message from the foxhole with his riffle fully cocked and loaded. He will talk to you over the phone, however, it is an interrogation. His line of questioning has you sweating as he searches for red flags. He thinks you’re after him for his house by the lake, his 6 series beamer and his cottage in The Keys. He wants your resume, just to make sure that you’re accomplished so that he’s not going to be used. No matter what you answer, it’s not good enough.
“I like puppies, kittens, Jesus and bunnies.” He’s thinking you’re going to lull him into false sense of comfort, then reach into his chest and eat his heart-IN FRONT OF HIM. Damaged goods. Next!
He’s pissed off. His is one bad date away from Paranoid Guy., I’m not even sure if there is a linear progression, but these two guys are one step away from each other. Anyway, he’s been scorned by women and you are going to pay for it. He spends the whole conversation bitching at you about all his misadventures in dating. He doesn’t get a chance to find out about you. NEXT!
This guy is self-explanatory; however, his approach is hilarious. He’s like the Trojan horse. He starts out the chat normally and even comes across gentlemen-like. He’s asks you about your day, your interests and then…..wait for it….wait….. “How big are your boobs?” Boom! There it is! You have to wait for it. It’ll always show up, but you never know who, when or how, but he always sneaks in. He comes dressed up like Decent Guy, but oh no, it is Horny Guy dressed up like Decent Guy. NEXT!
Window Shopper Guy:
Oh I saved the best for last. I love this guy. He caused me hours of frustration, but I now understand what’s going on with this guy. Once I caught on to him, I started seeing this whole this clearly. Here it goes…
Okay, this taken guy (married or otherwise) is bored and after dinner he goes downstairs to log into OkCupid or POF to seek out some excitement for the night. He’s just seeing what’s out there. He plays Second Life, World of War Craft and maybe Grand Theft. He makes a him and he’s employed. He is also “Actively Seeking a Relationship.”
He drops by every once in a while, just to make sure the fish are still swimming and see if he can get a bight. He’ll send an occasional message and ask you about yourself and vaporize instantly until he resurfaces like a floater in Lake Michigan after the spring thaw. He may even call you and make plans to meet you, but if you call him, he puts you on hold for 5 minutes until he can secure a safe location to talk (so his girl doesn’t hear him). He’s on a texting campaign, as oppose phone chats, this way, he can talk to her in the living room and text you simultaneously, you see. This guy can have you baffled, perplexed and irritated at the same time. Usually, this guy’s pattern is painfully evident after a mere week. The first few days, you excuse his inconsistent communication as just being busy from the weekend, work, fatigue, spending time with kids or whatever. From one Sunday to the next, you can clearly see that he full of it. This guy’s a huge waste of time because the time you spend on him, you could spend your energy elsewhere. He wears on your patience and nerves…one Shopper Guy at a time, week after week. He is an energy zapper! He’s playing around with the women online. You are seriously trying to date and he’s just casually playing around with live wire. Next!
This list is not complete as I said before. It’s just what I have found in 6 months. It has been interesting to say the least. What other types are out there? Have you or anyone you know found anything else? Let me know please. My guy friends tell me horror stories about women online. Share with me about women, too.