When you’re not in a real relationship, you often forego sex. It’s a sad side affect of being single. Of course you don’t have to be in a relationship in order to have it, but sometimes you make the decision to wait until you’re seeing someone you like and trust. Either way, it’s your choice. I have been thinking about this subject extensively. Sex: the mechanics of it, the pleasures of it, the emotional connection and the animalistic nature of it. We’re just animals and we have physical needs. I wanted to wait until I am in a relationship, but I just might have to break the glass and reach for the “firehose” to put the “fire” out.
Here are 10 signs that it’s time to get laid.
1) You can’t stomach the thought of another “girls night out”
Now, I LOVE my girls. They are my gal pals. Love ‘em to Reese’s Piece’s. But if I have to sit through one more luncheon, café chat session, girl’s night in, or Mani Pedi party, I am going to start sniping from the roof. I have had enough estrogen for a while!
2) Everyone’s whining gets on your nerves!
You feel like everyone is bitching and moaning seems to make you want to scream. “Get a real problem with real frustrations!” You want them to just get a shot of Petron and leave you the hell alone. I don’t want to hear the bitching about their relationship because at least they are having relations!
3) The plumber’s crack starts looking good!
Yeah, at work, I have been destroying everything around me just so I can watch the cute maintenance man can sweat in front of me. He’s going to catch on to me eventually. How does one office run through 30 fluorescent bulbs in 3 months? Who does that? Really?
4) You’re turned on by the produce section at the grocery store!
This is way obvious. Cucumbers. Deli pickles. Bananas….hell…SQUASH!
It’s just an emergency room tragedy waiting to happen.
5) Simple commercials turn you on!
Not the K-Y personal lubricant stimulator gel commercials-not these. I’m talking about simple shit list like men’s sporting commercials. Just men being sweaty. Period.
6) You book an unscheduled gyno appointment just for some more action!
I have a really nice gyno doc. He’s a young guy with a nice smile. I recently came back for seconds. This is just sad.
7) Everything someone says has double-meaning in your head!
I work with a lot of vendors and delivery men. They are always delivering something I need and have to ask me where I need the goods. Simple phrases like, “How would like it?” “You like that?” “Where do you want me to put it?” “Is it good” conjure up images of your legs behind your head like Bugs Bunny. Sickening.
8) You sublimate with food
You look at a dessert picture in a magazine like a centerfold spread (Food porn). You are bothered while watching a Dove Bar commercials playing the Barry White music in the background, slow motion chocolate flowing across the screen and the sultry voice of Kathleen Turner describing the rising action of the decadent chocolate.
When your friends tell you what they ate and you ask them to repeat details, slow their speech down and describe every tasty bit…then that’s a real sign that you’re long overdue.
9) You seek out anything that vibrates.
You place your phone on “Vibrate” on purpose, send out massive text messages and wait for all the responses. When the washing machine is running, you opt to sit on it.
Better than a vibrator.
10) You watch animals humping and you smoke a cigarette when they finish
This is self-explanatory.
I guess I know what I need to do. Did I miss anything?
LMAO you hit it right on the head. I can relate to too many of these. I dont’ think that you missed anything. You covered your bases my friend and now I need a cold shower. LOL
LMAO! Thanks Curvy!
Can I say i laughed lol…the going to the gyno for some action is so funny. Great post!!!
Lol…thanks Boomie!
Oh my God! These are all so funny- even if it is so sad that I can relate to them haha #’s 3-5 are dangerously on point!
Lmao! Isn’t it just sad?!